The Users' Perspective

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Meeting Date: Wednesday, October 27, 1999

Time:

5:30-6:30 Executive Council Meeting

6:30-7:00 Social Time

7:00-7:45 Dinner

7:45 Presentation

Location:

Don Weitzman’s home, 10240 Dunfries Road, Vienna, VA, (703) 281-4689

Speaker:

Jake Pauls

Following 20 years of research with the National Research Council of Canada, Jake Pauls moved to the U.S. in 1987. With an office in Silver Spring, Maryland, he has operated an independent consultancy in building use and safety since 1992. Internationally known for his bridging among ergonomics, public health and development of codes and standards, Jake serves on three U.S. national standards committees addressing life safety and building usability. A Certified Professional Ergonomist, he chairs the Arnold M. Small Lecture in Safety for the Human Factors and Ergonomics Society. Reflecting his concern for policy issues, he also represents the American Public Health Association on the International Code Council Industry Advisory Committee.

Topic:

"Stairway Usability and Safety: Implications for Design, Construction, Retrofit and Standards/Codes"

Seeing this title, ones immediate reaction could well be: "B_O_R_I_N_G." What can be fascinating about stairways or, even worse, "standards and codes?" Stairs are likely the oldest of architectural features, first created by nature and improved upon (to a limited extent) by humans. Stairways have been the subject of ergonomic study for thousands of years and they still pose challenging research questions. Underlining how unsolved the problems of stairways are, consider the following facts:

• Stairs are the leading product associated with injuries treated in hospital emergency rooms and account for about one million such injuries annually (based on Consumer Product Safety Commission estimates);
• Stair-related injuries have been rising at about three percent annually in the U.S. over the last two decades while motor-vehicle related injuries and other building-related injuries have been decreasing significantly;
• The annual comprehensive societal cost of stair-related injuries, for the year 1995 in the U.S., has been recently estimated at about 47 billion (yes billion) dollars;
• The costs of injuries exceed the cost of stairway construction by a factor of ten (putting stairways into a very small class of products, the rest of which are mostly illegal);
• Even the medical care costs from stair-related injuries are twice as large as are injuries from guns;

• You are about twice as likely to be injured on a stair as you are using your automobile (correcting for exposure time); and

• Most stair-related injuries occur in homes.

Research suggests that many stair-related injuries are preventable. The key design criteria are ergonomically based but simple enough for everyone to appreciate. Yet, because of immense political power of homebuilders, homes today are designed and built to a worse standard (absolutely and relatively to other buildings) than was the case a few decades ago. Within the standards/codes development arenas at national, state and local levels, stairways are the largest political issue currently. Even the American Public Health Association is weighing in on the regulatory issues this year with a public policy resolution (initiated by Jake Pauls).

Get an overview and update on all of this, as well as practical guidance on what you can do about the problems in your own home to prevent you and your family members from becoming yet another statistic; approximately one in two persons seek medical treatment for stair-related injuries and, as you age, falls or the fear of falls are the leading reason for needing to leave your home and live in a nursing home. This is one safety and usability problem you can address both as an ergonomist and as a homeowner.

Jake Pauls' presentations are richly illustrated and, as a bonus for this HFES POC presentation, there will be a short video teaser from the highly successful presentation on September 29th by the new HFES President, Peter Hancock, on the safety topic, "Custer and the Titanic" which will soon be available for purchase as another of the Arnold M. Small Lecture Series videos. Get a taste of what you missed if you were not at the Houston conference or if you were but could not get into the overfilled lecture.

Cost, Dinner Included:

$8.00 members and guests (students – no charge)

Reservations:

We need a head count by noon, Tuesday, October 26^st. Please contact Debbie Park at UserWorks, Inc. by email at dpark@userworks.com, by phone at (301) 431-0500, or by fax at (301) 431-4834. If you respond by email or fax, you will receive a confirmation. If not, please call.

Menu:

Chinese buffet dinner (a variety of meat, seafood, and vegetable dishes), beverages.

Directions:

1. Take Route 66 West and exit at Exit 62 (Nutley Street,Vienna). This is the first exit past the beltway.
2. Follow the sign to Nutley Street/Vienna (bearing right) and go 4 traffic lights (on Nutley) to Maple Ave/Route 123 (about 1 mile from Exit 62).
3. Make a left turn on Maple Ave/Route 123S and go 5 traffic lights (about 2 miles) to the Hunter Mill Road intersection.
4. Make a right turn onto Hunter Mill Road and go 2 traffic lights (about 1.5 miles) to Vale Road turning right only.
5. Making a right turn onto Vale Road, make an almost an immediate right turn onto Dunfries Road. Don’s house is in the 11 o’clock position on the cul-de-sac. It is no more than 300-400 yards from Vale Road.

Special Parking Note: Please park your car perpendicular rather than parallel to Don’s lawn in the cul-de-sac. Don’s driveway is narrow and difficult to navigate, particularly when it is dark and unfamiliar. Also, more cars can be accommodated that way, thus avoiding a longer walk in the event of rain. Note that anyone who parks any part of his/her car on Don’s grass will be forced to do yard work at his home for six months at minimum wage.

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Note – We have a standing offer to Student Members of the Chapter: Dinner at a monthly meeting FOR FREE if you write up a synopsis of the meeting for publication in the Newsletter. Contact the Newsletter Editor when interested.
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 At the September meeting Larry Schleifer described a study to reduce musculoskeletal complaints, a situation found in many industries, by increasing the number of work breaks. In particular, a late 1980’s survey of 10,000 Internal Revenue Service employees found that musculoskeletal complaints were common. Further, even well designed ergonomic workstations did not solve all problems such as those related to stress and keying rates.

To determine what could be done in this very sensitive labor management area, the IRS entered into an interagency agreement with NIOSH who was to act as a neutral party and conduct research for the IRS. One technique to aid workers, adding work breaks, was investigated by Larry in 1989, and showed that such breaks could help. Thus, NIOSH conducted a study of 42 IRS data entry operators in which operators used a conventional work break schedule (15 minutes in the morning and afternoon for a total of 30 minutes per day), and a supplemental work break schedule (conventional plus additional five minute breaks for a total of 50 minutes per day). Operators worked four weeks on each schedule, and both objective data (data entry productivity and accuracy) and questionnaire data (reported musculoskeletal discomfort, mood state, rest break compliance) were collected.

The data regarding operator performance showed no significant differences in either keystroke rate or documents processed per day between the conventional work break schedule and supplementary work break schedule breaks (even though the time worked was 20 minutes shorter with the supplementary schedule). Thus there was no apparent adverse effects due to the supplementary work break schedule, and workers were evidently more efficient and productive. Further, these data entry operators reported less musculoskeletal discomfort using the supplemental schedule. This study is being replicated and will likely influence the design of work-rest schedules among data entry operators throughout the IRS.

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 Don’t miss our upcoming chapter meetings:

Late November or early December (details to follow in due time) – Robert Sumwalt, an airline pilot and chairperson of the Air Line Pilots Associations’ HF and Ergonomics Committee.

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 With a new baby in-hand, Penny Church, who has served as the Potomac Chapter’s webmaster for the last few years, is finding it necessary to give up this responsibility. Penny will remain on-board through the end of the year, but as of January, 2000 we need someone new to assume these duties. Penny will work with the new person to coordinate moving the web site work files to his/her PC and updating the Erols account so that the new Webmaster can log in and update the website on the server. Penny has been using FrontPage 97 as the website editor, but any html editor should work fine. Penny mentions that, "This website has provided me with great experience that I’ve been able to apply to my professional work, which is what I hoped for when I started. Now that my life priorities have changed, I need to pass this opportunity on to someone else." Interested candidates should contact the Chapter President, Jack Laveson, at (703) 642-3677 or by e-mail at j.i.laveson@ieee.org. Many thanks to Penny for her service to the Chapter.

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 When: TUESDAY, October 19, 1999, 8:00 PM

Where:

Room 310
National Science Foundation
4201 Wilson Blvd
Arlington, VA 22230

Directions: http://www.nsf.gov/home/visit/start.htm

DINNER

When: 6:30 PM

Where:

Pizzeria UNO
4201 Wilson Blvd
Arlington, VA 22230

(703) 527-8988

Directions: corner of Wilson and North Stuart, Ballston (bottom floor of NSF Building)

3 types of deep dish pizzas you can choose from. Please indicate your preference in your reply:

1. chicken and portabella mushroom
2. prima pepperoni
3. veggie

Dinner should run about $8-9 with drinks, tip and tax.

RSVP by October 18 for Meeting/Dinner to: Jennifer_Clister@amsinc.com

(Don't Forget To Include Your Pizza Preference!!)

SPEAKER

Dr. Lisa Neal, Electronic Data Systems, "Asynchronous Distance Learning for Corporate Education: Experiences with Lotus LearningSpace Abstract."

As corporate and university distance education grow in popularity, there is a broader range of tools and techniques to support this expanding market. My group used Lotus LearningSpace 2.5 to teach an asynchronous distance learning class on human-computer interaction to employees at EDS.

I present what we learned about the development, delivery, and support of asynchronous distance learning classes and compare this to previous experiences with face-to-face teaching and synchronous distance learning.

I examine the differences in structuring a class, creating content, facilitating discussions, supervising projects, and assessing student progress. I suggest that asynchronous distance learning presents significant potential for delivering training and that LearningSpace is a powerful delivery tool. More importantly, however, I argue for wider recognition of instructor-led asynchronous distance learning as fundamentally discontinuous with other delivery models since it demands entirely different approaches in the dimensions of course development, pedagogical behaviors, and student expectations than are used for the classroom or synchronous distance learning.

SPEAKER BIO

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This lecture series is designed to create an interdisciplinary community at the University of Maryland focussed on the Internet and its impact on society.

(Editor’s Note – the first few lectures have already been held, but the topics may be interest nonetheless)

Universal Usability: A Research Agenda for Every Citizen Interfaces
Ben Shneiderman, UMCP Dept of Computer Science
Discussant: Robert Kolker, Dept of English
September 23, 1999 Thursday 3:30 A.V. Williams Rm. 2460

Online Courses As Effective Learning Environments: The Importance of Collaborative Methods
Roxanne Hiltz and Murray Turoff, New Jersey Institute of Technology
Discussant: Maryam Alavi, Robert H. Smith School of Business
Discussant: Margaret Chambers, UM-University College
October 7, 1999 Thursday 3:30 A.V. Williams Rm.2460
Also sponsored by the Center for Engineered Learning Systems, Institute for Systems Research

(Editor’s Note – the following sessions are upcoming)
The Internet and Civil Society
Peter Levine and Robert Wachbroit, School of Public Affairs
Discussant: Harry Hochheiser, Dept of Computer Science
October 14, 1999 Thursday 3:30 1107 Van Munching Hall

Evaluating a Consumer Health Website's Interface: Heuristic Evaluation and Usability Testing
Keith Cogdill, College of Library and Information Services
Discussant: James Reggia, Department of Computer Science
October 21, 1999 Thursday 3:30 A.V. Williams Rm. 2460

Online Communities: Sociability and Usability
Jennifer Preece, UMBC - Dept of Information Systems
October 28, 1999 Thursday 3:30 A.V. Williams Rm.2460

World-Wide Web Surveys: A Tower of Babble?
John Robinson, UMCP Dept of Sociology
November 18, 1999 Thursday 3:30 A.V. Williams Rm. 2460

Patterns of Internet Diffusion in Developing Countries
Ernest J. Wilson III, UMCP
Director, Center for International Development and
Conflict Management
November 23, 1999 Tuesday 3:30 A.V. Williams Rm. 1112

The Internet, Electronic Media, Trust, and Civil Society
Ric Uslaner, Dept of Government and Politics
November 30, 1999 Tuesday 3:00* Reckord Armory Rm. 0117
*Note: This lecture will commence at 3:00

For more information about the Series contact Janet Sumida (sumida@cs.umd.edu) or Kathy Bumpass (kbumpass@cs.umd.edu) or see our webpage: http://www.cs.umd.edu/hcil/f99-lectures.html

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 We have a unique opportunity here at the Army Research Laboratory to begin a program which will model the dynamics and interactions of the human brain on our high speed computers. We have spent a large amount of money over the past few years on super computers, and we now have some of the best computer facilities in the world. In order to utilize these computing resources to their full capabilities, we are looking for researchers who have proposals or ideas for modeling the interactions of the human brain on a high speed computer.

This program is free to researchers interested in this area. We are advertising our facilities to any researcher who is interested in this area. We are generally looking for academic participation (i.e. no contractors at this time).

If you are at all interested in using our super computers for brain modeling, please contact me. At this point, all you need to do is express interest. No proposals are needed at this time.

Troy Kelley
410-278-5859

HCI Technologist/Developer, American Management Systems

AMS's Center for Advanced Technologies (AMSCAT) in Fairfax, VA has a new opportunity for an experienced HCI technologist with strong development and management skills in the Advanced User Interfaces Lab and the Web Interfaces Lab. Through the AMSCAT Usability Engineering (UE) Special Studies program, members of these Labs provide a full range of usability engineering services to ensure that AMS systems are usable. System designers and developers work with UE team experts who draw on backgrounds in human factors, software engineering, user interface design, Web technologies, information technologies, psychology, linguistics, biomedical engineering, usability evaluation and other relevant areas to promote usability in AMS products. This team is seeking a new member who can bridge between development and usability efforts.

Each team member spends approximately half of his or her time working with project teams and half doing research. The Internet is a focus of much of the UE team’s work. Research goals include expanding the definition of human-computer interface to include anything and everything a user experiences in accomplishing goals with a computer. Current research areas include navigation, information appliances, biometrics, special needs, and ubiquitous computing and natural language technologies. The new team member will have the opportunity to participate in driving the direction of this research into new areas.

Position Description

• Facilitate communication between usability engineers and software developers

• Design and develop web demonstrations (including requirements analysis and design recommendations) that meet human factors criteria

• Lead and conduct research into issues in human-computer interaction

• Lead and participate in usability evaluations (including working with project developers to determine goals of evaluation, and preparing evaluation materials such as questionnaires and scenarios)

• Report findings of evaluations

• Consult on user-interface design and development

• Perform product evaluations

Requirements

• Demonstrated management skills: ability to communicate with team members and clients, ability to write plans, research papers and reports

• Experience in business-critical system development

• Three years of experience in client/server application development, using 4GL tools such as Visual Basic with at least one year experience in internet projects using HTML, JavaScript or ASP

• At least three years hands-on experience in human-computer interface design and development

• Usability Engineering experience or course work, especially in the area of Human Computer Interaction (HCI)

• Experience with one or more of the following development tools: Adobe Acrobat, Adobe Illustrator, Adobe PageMill, Adobe Photoshop, Macromedia FireWorks, FrontPage, Macromedia Dreamweaver, Macromedia Flash, RoboHELP

For more information on AMS, please see our home page at www.amsinc.com/amscat.

Contact : cindy_albers@amsinc.com

Postdoctoral Researcher, Cognitive Science Lab at the Catholic University of America

A postdoctoral researcher is sought to join a project team that will examine human factors aspects of automation of fault management in aerospace operations. Space exploration and development requires human interaction with computers, structures, and telerobots. These systems must be monitored and maintained for continued safe operations, especially as they age in the harsh environment of space. Although the importance of "human-centered" design is widely recognized, few concrete methods have been put forward for space systems. This project will design, demonstrate, and evaluate human-centered automated systems in support of effective fault management during long-term space operations.

This postdoctoral position at the Cognitive Science Lab (CSL) at the Catholic University of America offers a unique opportunity to engage in an interdiscplinary project that will examine human factors aspects of automation in space operations. Candidates who have or are about to receive a Ph.D. in human factors, applied cognitive psychology, aerospace engineering, or industrial engineering, are invited to apply. Experience in aviation or space human factors is highly desirable but not essential. Open also to non-U.S. citizens with a training visa. Competitive salary and benefits, dependent on experience. The successful candidate will also have the opportunity to interact with other related, ongoing funded projects at the CSL dealing with automation in air traffic control and general aviation.

For further information, see the CSL web site http://arts-sciences.cua.edu/psy/csl/

The project is supported by a three-year grant from NASA Goddard Space Center, MD. The position is available January 1, 2000, but will remain open until filled. Appointment will be initially for one year, renewable for up to three years.

Interested applicants should send a vita, reprints or preprints of papers, and the names of three references to:

Raja Parasuraman, Cognitive Science Lab
Catholic University of America
Washington DC 20064
Tel. 202-319-5825 Fax: 202-319-4456
email: parasuraman@cua.edu

LOCATION: Alexandria, VA, Patuxent River, MD

SALARY: Negotiated based on qualifications and experience.

REQUIREMENTS/QUALIFICATIONS: Advanced degree in Human Factors or related area, with at least 8 years experience in an applied setting. Candidate must be experienced in providing Human Factors Engineering support for hardware and software systems development to achieve program objectives. Will participate in IPT environment in support of development programs. The position requires experience in the generation and execution of Human Factors Program plans, HFE test and evaluation plans, review of technical material for HFE implications, directing HFE efforts using assets that may be drawn from several organizations, participating in program and design reviews, performing HFE analyses to support the development of systems to execute an operational concept, and evaluating HFE products delivered by other organizations. Experience with the government acquisition procedures and documentation, including specifications and statements of work, and the ability to develop, review, and revise the documentation is also required. Desired experience will include (depending on job position):

• Air traffic control and air traffic management (FAA)

• Driving systems

• Cockpit avionics, sensor, display integration / user interface.

The position requires working closely with the customer, operational users, maintainers, vendors, and R&D organizations.

For further information contact:
John W. Ruffner, Ph.D.
Human Factors Engineer
DCS Corporation
jruffner@dcscorp.com
(703) 683-8430 x243

Human Factors Professional, Federal Data Corporation

Federal Data Corporation is looking for several senior, Mid and entry level human factors professionals with a Ph.D. or MA/MS, and will consider BS/BA, to support a research program in the area of Civil Aviation Air Traffic Control and Aviation Security. We are currently supporting both those programs with multi-year contracts in both Washington, D. C. and at the FAA's William J. Hughes Technical Center located near Atlantic City, NJ.

In the Washington area we are particularly looking for a senior level person, with at least 10 years experience to run a HF/training program for us.

Ronald D. Lyons Ph.D
Program Director, User Systems Integration
Federal Data Corporation
(609) 272-9000
ron.lyons@feddata.com
www.feddata.com

Human-Computer Interaction Designer, GE Information Services

Background:

GE Information Services, Inc. is currently seeking applicants to fill a Human-Computer Interaction Designer position in its Washington, D.C. metropolitan area and Brentwood, Tennessee offices. GE Information Services is a leading, worldwide provider of electronic commerce services such as Extranets, Electronic Data Interchange (EDI), electronic catalogs, and messaging. The Usability Engineering group designs, develops, consults, and tests user interfaces, documentation, on-line help, and end-user training materials of commercial products on various delivery platforms (e.g., WWW and Windows 95).

Position Description:

As a Human-Computer Interaction Designer, you will need an understanding of human factors principles related to computer software development and an ability to apply them in fast-paced development environments. You may be responsible for the full range of activities related to designing human computer interfaces, including:

* Designing user interfaces by developing prototypes and facilitating their implementation with the end goal of optimizing ease of learning, ease of use, and compatibility with other software in the GE Information Services product suite;

*     Conducting focus groups and performing contextual inquiries with users;

* Gathering user requirements and creating usability goals;

* Designing and conducting usability tests;

* Analyzing and reporting test results;

* Conducting heuristic evaluations;

* Producing and prioritizing recommendations for reducing usability problems;

* Delivering test results/recommendations to cross-functional product development teams and software vendors

Requirements:

* Masters degree in Experimental or Cognitive Psychology, Human Factors Engineering or related field. Ph.D. preferred.

* Demonstrated knowledge of human-computer interface design principles and user-centered design.

* Demonstrated leadership ability as well as being a strong team player.

* Understanding of software development processes.

* Good written and oral communication skills.

* Ability to effectively manage multiple activities in a dynamic environment.

* Familiarity with standard industry user interface platform guidelines. Familiarity with emerging internet standards such as HTML and JAVA highly desirable.

* Experience with web-based applications and various web browsers.

* Experience with rapid prototyping tools(such as Visual Basic) a plus.

* Skills in experimental design and behavioral observation desirable.

Please contact:
Margaret A. Brown
Usability Engineering Manager
GE Information Services
100 Edison Park Dr. MS 4-1B2
Gaithersburg, MD 20878
(301)340-4443 Fax(301) 340-4067
Email:margaret.brown@geis.ge.com

Assistant Professor, Department of Psychology at George Mason University

The Department of Psychology at George Mason University anticipates an opening at the assistant professor level beginning in the Fall, 2000. The ideal candidate will have a Ph.D. in Cognitive Psychology or related area and experience developing cognitive theory in the context of real-world problems. We will consider applicants from a variety of research specializations, such as computational cognitive modeling, human computer interaction, human factors, psychology of science, complex problem solving, higher level cognition, training (especially computer-based), human performance, and decision making. A record of, or strong potential for, external funding is expected, and evidence of teaching skills and multi-disciplinary interests is highly desirable.

George Mason University is located approximately 15 miles SW of Washington, DC and is the newest university in the Virginia state system. The psychology department has Ph.D. programs in applied cognitive psychology, industrial/organizational psychology, developmental, and clinical psychology. The successful candidate will join the core faculty of the Human Factors and Applied Cognitive Program in the ARCH Lab. The ARCH Lab houses HFAC faculty, their research facilities, and graduate students in a collaborative and highly productive environment.

Applications will be evaluated starting on November 15, 1999, and will continue until a suitable candidate is found. A vita, three letters of recommendation, a brief statement of research and teaching interests, and copies of relevant preprints/reprints should be sent to: Applied Cognitive Search Committee, George Mason University, MSN 3F5, Fairfax, VA 22030-4444. For more information about the Human Factors & Applied Cognitive Program, see our web page:

http://www.hfac.gmu.edu.

We encourage applications from women and minority candidates. George Mason University is an Affirmative Action/Equal Opportunity Employer.

If you have any questions about this position, please contact Wayne Gray (gray@gmu.edu), Christian Schunn (cschunn@gmu.edu), or Deborah Boehm-Davis (dbdavis@gmu.edu).

Deborah A. Boehm-Davis
Professor, Psychology Department
Human Factors and Applied Cognition Program
MSN 2E5
George Mason University
Fairfax, VA 22030-4444
Phone: 703-993-8735
Fax: 703-993-1330

Cancer Research Training Award Fellowship, National Cancer Institute’s International Cancer Information Center

The Usability Office of the National Cancer Institute's (NCI) International Cancer Information Center announces a Cancer Research Training Award (CRTA) Fellowship. The Fellow will assist in a wide range of usability design and testing activities including: identifying user groups and designing data collection instruments; creating user interface designs and prototypes for cancer Web sites and other health communication technologies; designing and conducting usability tests at various stages of the development process at testing facilities across the country; analyzing and reporting test results; and developing usability guidelines.

Applicants should hold a graduate degree in human-computer interaction, cognitive psychology, communications, human factors, education, or information dissemination with an emphasis on electronic information transfer and user interface design and engineering. Fellowships are awarded for an initial 2-year period, with potential for renewal up to 5 years. Fellows receive a stipend commensurate with his or her education and experience ($22,000 - $27,000). Benefits include health insurance, paid Federal holidays, and travel when appropriate. Fax (301-480-8105) or mail resume, a statement of interest explaining why you are interested in the CRTA Fellowship program, and three references to:

Sanjay Koyani
National Cancer Institute
9030 Old Georgetown Road
Bldg. 82, Room 103 B,
Bethesda, MD 20814
Closing date – October 22, 1999
NCI IS AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY EMPLOYER

 Some Y2K humor, while its still funny:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spoken by a software programmer:

"I’ve finally figured out why this whole Year 2000 problem is causing so much trouble. Fixing it depends on programmers finding a date. This isn’t exactly one of our classic strengths."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

‘Twas the Night Before 2000

‘Twas the night before 2000 and all through the tower,
applications were failing, more by the hour.

The programs were running on the mainframe with care,
in hope that the millennium bug was not there.

The programmers were seated in front of their PCs,
while visions of blank paychecks danced in their heads.

With Amy in her office and I at my desk,
we had just settled down for a night with no rest.

When up on my screen there arose such a ding,
I sprang from my chair screaming..."I didn’t touch a thing!"

Away from my computer I ran real quick,
tore open the drawer and picked up a stick.

I glared at the PC, evil and mean,
then realized...it’s just a machine.

What to my wondering eyes should I see,
but a miniature window, and a message for me.

With tired eyes, I gave a glance,
only hours left...we didn’t have a chance!

More rapid than eagles the languages fell,
and we whistled and shouted, and called with a yell;

Now COBOL! now, NATURAL, Batch and On-Line!
Oh, FORTRAN! Oh SAS! Now CHORE went flat-line!

From the front of my face, to the face of the wall,
now bash away! Bash away! Bash away all!

As the team gathered together for one last try,
the word from management came..."Fix it or die!"

So they sat in their chairs, in the up-right position,
with a desk full of work, and a nasty disposition!

And then in a dinging, I heard the speaker mention,
"Attention, the building, Attention."

As he tried to speak the next word,
the crashing of the mainframe is all we heard.

The programs were a mess, from start to end.
My screen was tarnished with an ugly abend.

The team assembled, into one huge pack,
we looked like hungry wolves, ready to attack.

Our eyes – how they twinkled! Our fingers typed with a clank.
Fix Payroll we said, because our paychecks are blank!

The sweat on my face was falling like rain,
while the coding of COBOL drove me insane!

The stump of a pencil I held tight in my hand,
I chewed nervously, hoping I would not get canned.

I coded some Windows and a Bridge too,
that took a program from version one to two.

I was tired, weak, and in a delusion state,
and I laughed when I saw it, in spite of fate.

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
soon let me know that bug was not dead!

It spoke not a word, but went straight to work,
crashing the remaining programs, then turned with a jerk.

I placed the cursor next to the bug,
pressed the delete key to remove the little thug.

But I heard it exclaim, as I erased the line....
"Happy Millennium for now, ‘cause I’ll return in 9999!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Cassius:

Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute.

I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrohard will make yet another fortune out of this I suppose.

The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all usury rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans. Its an ill wind. As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over.

I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life.

Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem. I will send a parchment to you if anything further develops.

If you have any ideas please let me know,

Plutonius

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